Myself.

These days I am working on - Myself.
Introspecting, trying to answer questions about myself. What I do and why I do it. The aim is to add the much needed words to my expression.

All this because I feel lost without it. Like I've mentioned earlier, I am trying to look for a job these days. But at the same time I am also preparing myself to go to school - study a subject close to my heart OR start up on my own.

Any of these things is not going to happen till I answer questions like "who are you?"
It is obviously difficult to sell your case without putting forward one.

This enquiry has led me to the following (absolutely useless) conclusions so far:-

1) I am terribly scared of judgements. Which is why I refrain from saying/writing things I believe in - especially in front of people I don't know too well

2) Point (1) is true mainly because in the past I have never stuck to my own ideas. I have evolved, changed and many a times even contradicted my own self. And I figured that I easily forget what I once said/did, but people don't. And I hate being reminded of how I once was. I am almost always - inexplicable to my own self - embarrassed of my (mostly regular) past self

3) Point 1 and 2 have made photography so dear to me. It is my personal expression - but also something open to interpretation. So I never have to fear being typecast as someone I am not any more or will not be in the future

Enough. On another note, I am trying hard to be as honest as I can, here on this blog. In the recent past I haven't written about what's really on my mind - I've been trying to be some one I am not - clearly its not happening. Now I wish to be fearless and spill my heart out, I don't have the time to waste on shit any more.

There are 2 things I recently read which seem to have brought the above change :-

"I am not responsible for what people think I can do" - Richard Feynman.

I realized that my search for who I should become was mostly based on what people around me have always said I can do - all of them great things and a part of me wants to do them too. But people expecting me to do it as well has added a certain peer pressure to the picture. Now I can't do the very things I love, without the fear of failure/success.

I plan to let those people and their ideas be...and go do my thing anyway. I am not responsible for their measures of success/failure and their expectations of me any more! Amen!

I'm going end this post with the second thing I read that touched my heart. Here it goes:-


"A poet is somebody who feels, and who expresses his feeling through words. This may sound easy. It isn't.


A lot of people think or believe or know they feel - but that's thinking or believing or knowing; not feeling. And poetry is feeling - not knowing or believing or thinking. Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: But the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.


To be nobody-but-yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." - E.E. Cummings.

Small joys

Last weekend was one the best weekends I have had in a long time. Not because we did something outrageous here in London city. We've have too many of the outrageous ones already last year!

It was special because it was a regular but ideal one...the one I had been longing for. I woke up early and went out to see the Chinese New Year celebrations in central London. After long I could step outside my comfort zone to click some shots that I am now really proud of- which trust me, doesn't happen very often :) My Photo essay can be viewed here.

After 3 hours of endless walking and clicking I finally sat down in a coffee shop to read, while hubby was on his way to meet me there. Again something that I did after almost after one and a half years. The sheer joy of being intoxicated by a lovely caffeine smell and reading peacefully was more than anything money can ever buy for me (except for a couple of lenses that I really want...and a mac machine that I've been dreaming of! :P :P)

Later, hubby joined me and we went for a long walk around Buckingham palace. It was all beautiful. Ever since I remember, I had imagined such a day with him...where first I would go clicking and then we'd meet and just walk around a beautiful city and soak in the awesomeness! I somehow never thought my ideal day would happen! But it did :)

We ended the walk with a visit to The Institute of Contemporary Arts. Given my love of art, the day only got better than I had imagined in my dream :)

The day finally ended with a big lunchinner! :P It was all just so special to me...it meant so much that it had to be on this blog. I myself never thought such simple joys of life would ever come to mean so much :) But they do...and I am glad...coz now they won't ever pass by without me taking special notice and thanking god for them.

On a completely different note...and tone...

I am struggling to find a job currently. the process is painful but exciting. I am full of hope and fear. Life seems completely new. This is something that I have never experienced in my life. This is no campus hiring where people are prepared to give me a chance. Here I have to fight for my own chance...and there are no rule books...or seniors to consult. It is every one on her own. I am trying...but I can never be sure if I am doing all the right things.

This highly uncertain space that I am in sometimes gets the worst of me. I am desperate and easily lose hope. But thankfully I have hubby and some good sense left to rise again and start fighting again. I just hope I don't have to do this for long.

These days, at the back of my mind, I am also pondering over questions like:-

What does it take for a person to be successful in life?
How is one's personal expression validated as great art or art at all?
Can people really change one fine day and start living an awesome life?
And more such random shit.

Just wanted to put it down here and acknowledge my own thoughts.
I'm trying hard to do more and not just sit and entertain my thoughts too much. This chance of starting all over again is precious to me and I'm doing a lot to do it some justice.