Introspecting, trying to answer questions about myself. What I do and why I do it. The aim is to add the much needed words to my expression.
All this because I feel lost without it. Like I've mentioned earlier, I am trying to look for a job these days. But at the same time I am also preparing myself to go to school - study a subject close to my heart OR start up on my own.
Any of these things is not going to happen till I answer questions like "who are you?"
It is obviously difficult to sell your case without putting forward one.
This enquiry has led me to the following (absolutely useless) conclusions so far:-
1) I am terribly scared of judgements. Which is why I refrain from saying/writing things I believe in - especially in front of people I don't know too well
2) Point (1) is true mainly because in the past I have never stuck to my own ideas. I have evolved, changed and many a times even contradicted my own self. And I figured that I easily forget what I once said/did, but people don't. And I hate being reminded of how I once was. I am almost always - inexplicable to my own self - embarrassed of my (mostly regular) past self
3) Point 1 and 2 have made photography so dear to me. It is my personal expression - but also something open to interpretation. So I never have to fear being typecast as someone I am not any more or will not be in the future
Enough. On another note, I am trying hard to be as honest as I can, here on this blog. In the recent past I haven't written about what's really on my mind - I've been trying to be some one I am not - clearly its not happening. Now I wish to be fearless and spill my heart out, I don't have the time to waste on shit any more.
There are 2 things I recently read which seem to have brought the above change :-
"I am not responsible for what people think I can do" - Richard Feynman.
I realized that my search for who I should become was mostly based on what people around me have always said I can do - all of them great things and a part of me wants to do them too. But people expecting me to do it as well has added a certain peer pressure to the picture. Now I can't do the very things I love, without the fear of failure/success.
I plan to let those people and their ideas be...and go do my thing anyway. I am not responsible for their measures of success/failure and their expectations of me any more! Amen!
I'm going end this post with the second thing I read that touched my heart. Here it goes:-
"A poet is somebody who feels, and who expresses his feeling through words. This may sound easy. It isn't.
A lot of people think or believe or know they feel - but that's thinking or believing or knowing; not feeling. And poetry is feeling - not knowing or believing or thinking. Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: But the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.
To be nobody-but-yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." - E.E. Cummings.
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Well thats been the case with me as well...i can never write something on my blog and not mean it, its best to be yourself, besides its easier...sorry or is it tough!? U choose. ;)
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Well thats been the case with me as well
Those lines from E.E Cummings are bliss. The most difficult thing in the world is to just being yourself and not thinking about what others think about you or expect from you. The people who matters will be around, in every situation, in success and in failure and they will never change. If fear of failure was not there, we would have everyone trying all sort of things. But, overcoming the fear requires courage and rising above it. That is why doing things we believe in is a domain of a few courageous hearts.
Good Luck and all the best. :)
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loved it gunjia... and loved the photos essay :)
Gunj,
Read two posts now after a long absence. Also navigated to photo page and saw all photographs. We all have some sense of insecurity or the other which pulls us down from what we wish to achieve. One should have faith in own thoughts and confidence to reach where one wishes to. Just be true to yourself and do what you feel is to your heart without fearing reactions of others. Of course, do take advice of close ones but follow what you feel right as per your conscience.
Take care
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